"Site of the Week: "Loathing Bill Simmons" (WARRANTED)
I found LoathingBillSimmons.wordpress.com a few weeks ago through a link someone sent me. At first, I didn't really want to like it because I considered myself a Bill Simmons (aka SportsGuy) fan. Once I started reading, I realized how lazy he has gotten with his columns over the years and how much I actually agreed with all of the criticism.
It's funny because I've actually had a lot of the same negative thoughts while reading a Sports Guy column but I usually just forgot about it a few minutes later because I was just happy I had something new to read on the shitter after weeks of no new columns from him. Seeing a full breakdown of each of each new column puts it all into perspective and makes you realize how formulaic, lazy and unoriginal he has become in just a short period of time.
Here's the summary of how and why "Loathing Bill Simmons" was created by the author:
"I used to like the way the Hollywood Sports Fella wrote… I really did. His Digital City Boston columns were unique, creative, and pretty much one of the first sports blogs on the web. It is a damn shame, however, that the success went to his head. Since joining ESPN, he mails it in week after week, choosing to record phone conversations with his buddies instead of putting finger to keyboard and coming up with something original. On those rare occasions when something shows up in print on the SG’s World, it is merely a cut and paste of a previous article he has written, with a few changes to the names, teams, and 80s movie references sprinkled throughout. “Loathing Bill Simmons” will “review” every Simmons “column” (wow, got carried away with the quotation marks there) and rip it to shreds, with the hope, as slim as it may be, that we may one day see the real Sports Guy come back to us."
It's harsh but it's really hard to argue. Here are a few other good excerpts from the site:
Oozing originality: A list of NBA players!
(Does anyone else get the creepy feeling that SG makes the Sports Gal dress up in short shorts, throw on a pair of Converse Weapons and make her wear a wispy blond fake mustache when he wants to get amorous with her? Just a thought.)
#15: Rudy Gay. I really have no complaints about this pick… I think he is an “intriguing player” and actually has some funny lines about a great show, Curb your Enthusiasm. I just wanted to respond to one line in particular about Rudy. SG writes “You can get Gay for the right price.” You sure can, Bill, and your “right price” was on your ESPN contract, as soon as you signed it.
Week 6 Picks, Book plugs and… SOCCER!
“Of course, I probably just jinxed it and headed us toward Angels-Phillies, or as Fox calls it, “The Ratings Apocalypse of 2009.” I need to stop thinking out loud.“
Point #1: You are jinxing no one. You are not that important. Point #2: Stop thinking out loud? You’d have no column if you did!
Moving along to his Jags/Rams prediction, we get the vintage “Ladies and Gentlemen, your _______ (this week it is “St. Louis Rams”)!” Dust it off each week, swap in a new team, we’re good to go. This is followed by:
“By the way, Cincinnati has employed a long snapper named Brad St. Louis since 2001. This season, of all seasons, St. Louis completely fell apart and they had to release him this week. You couldn’t make this stuff up.”
Really? Sure I can. Watch.
“With the Red Sox finally losing to the Angels, the front office will turn to phenom Frank Anaheim to start next season’s opener at Fenway.” There you go. Same concept, and I completely made it up. Don’t ever tell me I can’t do something.
After a couple of cute barbs at the Browns and Derek Anderson, we get to the David Tyree signing section of the column, where he states that if the Ravens and Pats play in the playoffs, then “Odds of my buying a pack of Marlboro Lights during this stretch: Excellent.” Oh really? You smoke when you are nervous? Weird, you NEVER mention that in ANY of your columns. Who’s paying you more for ad space, Miller Lite (Call of the Week!) or Marlboro?
He then dives into his Ewing/Derek Lowe/Jack Trudeau Theory/Face/Line diatribe. Here’s how it’s done. Take an athlete… any athlete… then add the word “face/theory/line” after it, and you’ve instantly coined a catchphrase! Although, I feel that I am more disappointed that he dedicates several paragraphs to Jack Trudeau and not ONCE does he mention that Trudeau threw the worst ball in Tecmo history. Such a lollipop arm, that the ball would disappear off the top of the television screen for anything longer than a screen to Albert Bentley.
Mailbag + NFL Picks =One less column to write!
I’ll end the post with a few quick hits as to why this column really chaps my ass…
- Wow, another Gus Johnson reference!
- Another analogy where he takes a sports situation and compares it to an ex-girlfriend!
- He makes a note of what he wrote on Twitter regarding the Braylon Edwards deal… ok, so he posts it on Twitter, then just reiterates it here… I am guessing he was 10 words shy of the minimum, and this copy-paste got him over the top!
- If he’s such a good gambler, why (a) did his wife beat him last year and (b) why the hell is is still “writing” a sports column?
Inaugural Column: 30 for 30
He opens the essay with this bit of flowery prose:
“The goal of a well-written piece and a well-done documentary is fundamentally the same: you pick a story that hasn’t been fully explored yet, you throw yourself into it and you make it sing.”
Do we really think that SG is the one to be talking about stories that haven’t been fully explored yet? I’ll give him credit… he was original back when he wrote for Digital City in Boston. He had a sharp wit, clever analogies, and the ability to weave a reference to a Valerie Malone-Kelly Taylor-Brandon Walsh love triangle into a sports column was uncanny… but the well has run dry since moving to ESPN. He is anything but original lately. His Mad-Libs style of writing sports columns has become an embarrassment. Every column runs off the same hack template…
So last weekend, I was over at (name drop celebrity I know here)’s house and we were watching the (sports team) game on his 105 inch LCD tv. I called my buddy (Hench/House/JackO) to talk briefly about (Vegas/Smoking cigarettes/celebrity I know) and I ended up feeling like Daniel LaRusso during (beach scene/karate tournament/halloween party) because (Hench/House/Jacko) told me that (name drop another celebrity I know) read an advance copy of my book! (In stores October 27th, pre-order on Amazon.com)
What do you think? Has Sports Guy fallen off or do you think he's still putting out quality articles and content?
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